It has been a long while since I’ve posted here – I’m definitely due to get a few things off my chest. My life changed quite a bit in the last few months as I decided to go back to work part-time after staying home full-time with my children for 7 years. I was actually quite excited about the prospect of being able to use my crazy race-car brain in more structured ways, but I am still struggling with the guilt I feel not being there everyday with my youngest.
This evening I exploded. Am I impulsive? Maybe. Is my oldest child exactly like me? definitely yes. I was helping my oldest brush teeth and one thing led to another and the next thing I know, we’re screaming at each other. I try and I try and I try SOOO hard to remain calm even when my child is pushing all limits and screaming at me. But, I can’t always contain myself. I usually do. But tonight I just lost it. I really hate those moments. Those are the times when I get so down about having ADD. I feel as though my disorder is going to cause my children more pain in the future because I couldn’t be the kind of mother that I would have been without ADD. I hate it, I really, really hate it when the impulsivity takes over and I lose my cool. Are all of us ADD’ers just looking for the next Dopamine hit? What am i teaching them? I carry a lot of guilt. I certainly hope that my children do not have to go through years of therapy because I was their mother.
Yet, on the other hand, strangely enough I think I am a better mom than I was before my diagnosis. There were many more days of yelling and screaming then. My self-esteem was at an all-time low because I kept mentally beating myself up with “what is wrong with me… why am I not like other moms? Why won’t my child listen to me” … I wanted to control everything. I’m sure I thought, as I probably did for years, that if things looked good on the outside or to outsiders, then it made me feel better about my own personal shame of not being perfect in society’s eyes.
I could go on and on. but I will stop there for now.