Final Follow-Up results

I will start off with a baffling statistic that my doctor told me about yesterday.  

The Mayo clinic has done research on children that were treated successfully with ADHD stimulants.  Out of the study, 25% of those kids actually had a sleep disorder instead of ADHD.   

Does that surprise you?  It surprised me.  If they were treated successfully with stimulants, then don’t they have ADHD?  Well, the stimulants helped them during the day to stay alert and more focused because they weren’t getting the deep sleep or regular sleep cycles they needed at night.  These kids were damn tired.  My doctor said these same kids will be 5x’s more likely to have a chemical addiction sometime in their life because they were treated with possibly addicting stimulants when in actuality – they had a sleep disorder instead.  If I were a parent of a kid being treated for ADHD – I would get my kid in quickly for a sleep study.  What have you got to lose?  

Can you see where i’m headed here with my own ADD issues?  Yep, that’s right.  After all this testing the doctor determined quite a few findings and because of a few discrepancies - they don’t add up to ADD.

Here is what he found:

1. My brain wave scan showed that the back of my brain showed Delta (or sleep waves) and that I was either highly doped up on drugs/alcohol OR that I may have a sleep disorder.  (well, having kids will do that to you.)  I rarely use alcohol and never use drugs, so the latter is probably true.

2. The center of my brain showed major Beta (or anxiety/concentration) waves, but he said my ratio of Beta 1 to Beta 3 was WAY off – so I have a very, very overactive brain!  Therefore stimulants are not for me.  The neurologist reported that it showed anxiety, excessive worry, rumination and vigilance.  

3. My body is taking a big hit physically from all the Beta activity because it can mean high anxiety, fight-flight-freeze, and major levels of cortisol, hormones, and adrenaline are being released too easily because of how I am wired.  All of this is affecting my major strengths – Visual memory and attention.  Not good.  I can’t even draw enough from my strengths because of all this Beta activity buzzing.

4. I tested very high on the depression/anxiety scales – he was very concerned about that and wants me to seriously consider going back on an SSRI.  I’m not so fond of that idea, but i’m going to really think about it.  He says that I don’t have enough feedback from other adults – I don’t have a feedback loop and that my world is getting smaller and smaller.  It’s a social anxiety thing and I know it.  

5. My IQ showed that I am highly intelligent (thankfully) and that I have “learned well” – up to my IQ’s potential.  He said that if it was ADD – that there would be a difference between my IQ and how well I learn new things.  My biggest strength was in the visual memory category.  Weaknesses were Auditory processing and a possible math learning disability.

 

Some of his recommendations (and I will be getting a 15-20 page written report with all of this info) is:

1. starting a regimen of high quality Omega 3’s – he suggested the brand Omega Brite, as it is manufactured in a facility using nitrogen and each capsule is individually sealed for optimum quality.

2. Purchasing a little biofeedback machine from a company called Heart Math.  It’s a little portable machine that I can use when I am stressed or anxious that will give me feedback and retrain my brain to not release the fight/flight/freeze response so easily.  The model of the machine is called “EM Wave”.   Go to www.heartmath.com

3. Daily excersize to even out my anxiety and moods.  He said that there’s a great book out by John Ratey called “SPARK”.  It talks all about excersize and how it does what NO drug can do.  For people that do have ADD – it helps you wake up your brain and focus and for those of us with Depression/Anxiety – it calms us down to help us focus.

4. I need to make an appointment to have a Sleep Study done to see if there is anything else going on with my sleep patterns/cycles that have nothing to do with being up with children at night.

5. He recommended that my husband and I both read another book called “Brain Lock“.  It explains how people with the Singulet issues in the brain (where you have a hard time switching gears and moving from one activity to another) can overcome and learn how to unlock those gears.  There is a process in the book, step by step on how to do it and my husband needs to read it too – so he can try it with me.

6. He wants me to get some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy – learning how to retrain my brain to not crave negative thoughts for stimulation.  Supposedly some brains that are sleepy look for stimulation.  Unfortunately positive thoughts are not stimulating enough, but negative thoughts are – so my brain has been on a beating frenzy for years telling myself that I’m stupid, a fuck-up, etc… nice, huh?  He said he was reviewing and going over and over my forms, records, etc and he said that he just couldn’t understand why I was so damn hard on myself, that I couldn’t accept that my brain was wired a little differently and that I just needed to accept a little help.

7.  He recommended that I look for a volunteer position where I feel confident and could do something that I really enjoy.  I said ART would be great – so I am going to look for a volunteer position where I can maybe help out kids with disabilities with art.  He wants me to do this about 3 hours/week.   I need to expand my “feedback loop”  so my social anxiety doesn’t get worse.  I fear that one day  - I may not ever want to leave the house – thankfully I’m not there yet, but I could see how that might happen.

 

I’m sorry if I’ve disapointed those of you that may have been following my blog, but hopefully you can gain some insight from it.  You may have ADD, or you may not.  Seriously consider a sleep study before going on any meds.  

My doctor never mentioned ADD during the whole appointment, so at the end I finally asked “So, does all of this add up to ADD??”  - and he said no and explained all the reasons why.  He felt I wasn’t lacking in dopamine in my brain’s frontal cortex and also because of my IQ vs. how well I learn  - there wasn’t enough discrepancy.  Also, the neurologist has a ‘marker’ for ADD and I didn’t fall in that category afer she reviewed my brain wave scan.

But he said a lot of my symptoms/behaviors ARE consistent with an attentional disorder.

I have a lot of work to do … and it’s overwhelming, but I am satisfied with the final outcome and I hope that I can implement these changes and that I will be able to see a difference in my life.

I’m supposed to go back to the clinic in 6 months and they will test me again on attention to see where I’m at.

If you are interested in learning more about the clinic I went to – shoot me a comment and I will forward the information off in an email.  

ADD Assessment – part 3

Well, today was finally my last day of testing for Adult ADD.  I still have one more appointment in about a month for a follow-up where they will fill me in on their final conclusions from all the findings of all my testing and my QEEG brain wave scan.

Today started out pretty easy with a few tests using a computer.  The first test consisted of watching and listening for the computer to say “one” or to watch the number “1″ flash onto the screen.  Seems pretty easy, right.  The final part of that test involved a “2″ that flashed or a voice that said “two” in-between the “ones” and “1″.  I thought I did okay, but after talking with the administers of the test it was nicht gut – (“not good” in German).  There was a space at the end of the test that asked me to type a comment about the test and I wrote “I’m sleepy”.  I seriously got so bored with that test that I just wanted to put my head down on the desk and take a snooze.  Granted, this was the day that I was to come to the appointment with no sugar or caffeine in my system for the past 12 or so hours.  One of the administers said that she’d love to see how I would do on this particular test after I’ve had my morning coffee.  Yep, it definitely helps me get through the morning, and day, and even sometimes the evenings.  By this point my caffeine headache was going pretty strong, but it was bearable.

Next, it was onto a different testing room where I did multiple tests on memory.  There were auditory tests for memory where the administer would read aloud two words that were unrelated (such as: truck and arrow).  About 6 or 7 pairs of these words were read and I was supposed to remember.  I laughed a bit after hearing these directions because I know myself well.  Then the administer read back one of the words and I was supposed to say what the pair to that word was.  Ugh… I think after about the 3rd word that I had missed, I started to cry.  This was a really hard thing for me – the whole memory thing.  The whole auditory direction and trying to remember for me has always been really tough.  It was definitely a defining moment in me learning more about myself and confirmed a weakness for me that I’ve suspected all along.  The administer was very nice and let me take my time to continue on.  They were very encouraging and understanding.  

Thankfully the rest of the memory testing was visual.  Well, I kicked ass on those.  I was shown a picture of a family – Grandpa, Grandma, Mom, Dad, Son, Daughter and a dog.  There were 4 different scenes involving some or all of these characters that I was to look at and then try to remember later.  Wow, what a difference for me to have a visual instead of the auditory.  I aced it and the administer said he had never had someone do so well on that particular test.  I don’t think he was just trying to make me feel better either – I did feel confident with all of my answers.  This test confirmed a strength for me, thankfully.  I really needed that after the previous one.

Finally, we needed to prep for the QEEG brain wave scan.  So we went into the “Q” room, as it’s named at the clinic.  First I was asked a number of questions about family health history (again).  Things came up about depression and anxiety in my family and extended family, a Great Grandmother that had committed suicide, an uncle with Dyslexia, an Aunt that was diagnosed with Dementia before her 60th birthday.  I forgot to mention about my Grandfather that had died of ALS  - Lou Gehrig’s Disease, but I remember putting that on a written health history form.  Then on to the prep…

In the “Q” room my head was measured and marked for the correct placement of the cap that contained about 23 electrodes (don’t worry people, nothing to shock me!).  The administer put some goopy gel on my forehead (almost like when you go for an ultrasound when you’re pregnant) and through parts on my scalp to help the electrodes get a good read on my brain waves.  Well, we weren’t getting a good read in the beginning and the administer had to apply more gel and then poke through each electrode to my scalp to get the gel further in for a better read.  Guess what they used to poke the gel through with?  The cut end of a plastic Q-tip stick.  Yes… it was quite uncomfortable especially since I had to go through this process twice because the first cap was too big and we just couldn’t get a good read.  My caffeine headache was already in FULL SWING so at one point I almost felt nauseous.  The rest of the test was a breeze.  I had to sit still for 10 minutes focusing on a picture at the wall in front of me and 10 more minutes sitting still with my eyes closed.  I remember my head bobbing once because I was getting very sleepy.

Finally the tests were finished and I was free to go.  They offered me some shampoo and a towel if I wanted to go wash my hair in the restroom, but I had planned ahead (not like me) and brought a baseball cap to wear home. 

By this time I was feeling a migraine.  It was bad.  I didn’t even know if I was going to be able to drive home, but thankfully I live about 7 miles from the clinic and traffic wasn’t bad at that time of day.  I made it home and had to go lie down immediately because I thought I was going to vomit.  That’s how bad my head was pounding at this point.  I was able to get up to take some ibuprofen, but coffee was not sounding good because my stomach was not feeling well.  Thankfully I was able to fall asleep and nap for about 90 minutes.  When I woke up I felt much, much better.  I had some lunch and then made some coffee to subdue the rest of my headache.  

It’s now about 12 hours since the start of my appointment this morning and I almost feel 100% myself again.

Next up is my verbal follow-up with the psychologist and then after that I will also receive a 15-20 page report on all of the final conclusions to my testing and assessments in the mail.

I am glad that the worst is over and I am glad that I am doing this.  I am also glad that my insurance is paying for most of it.  ;)

explosive/inflexible children?

So, I’m not only dealing with my own issues of ADD, anxiety, depression and a possible learning disability, but now my husband and I have finally made a decision to have our oldest child evaluated for Explosive/Inflexible behavior.  We have an appointment with a psychologist next week.  This has been going on since she was about 1.5 years old and we always figured she’d grow out of it.  You know, the terrible twos and threes?  We kept saying, “by the time she’s 4 it will get better”.  Then when she turned four we started saying “well, by the time she’s 5 it will get better”.  She is now 6.5 and things have not gotten better.

On a daily basis we almost feel as though we walk on eggshells trying to avoid power struggles, her very low frustration tolerance, and her emotional meltdowns, but nonetheless they are still happening.  She and her little brother fight constantly and it’s often physical.  I am constantly aware that we need to be very close by when they are together.  We are very hands-on parents and restrict TV watching, feed our children whole grain foods, fruits and veggies, read with them daily… just trying to do all the right things.  She gets herself so emotionally revved-up that her immune system isn’t as strong as most average kids – getting colds and many ear infections over the last few years.  She just plain wears herself out with all of the emotional outbursts, angry rants and inflexibility if things don’t go her way.  And trust me, we do say “no”  to our kids – quite often actually.  

I am not a meek or mild person.  I consider myself low maintenance when it comes to life and I’m very down to earth so I do not see our family life as anything “average” if there even IS an “average” or typical family life.  These emotional ups and downs from hour to hour or minute to minute leave us all tense and stressed and what bothers me the most is how it’s affecting our other child – our little guy who is only 3.  He’s starting to do this nervous little thing when you hold him where he grabs a hold of your shirt between his thumb and pointer finger and rolls it back and forth.  Sometimes if he’s not being held, he’ll do it to his own shirt.  Needless to say, it all adds to my daily anxiety issues too.

The beautiful side of this child is her sweetness and amazing creativity – she’s an adorable little girl too and smart as a whip.  She is equally sweet as she is angry and it often feels as though it’s one or the other – no middle-of-the-road.  Oftentimes after an emotional meltdown if I talk with her after the “storm” has passed, she won’t even remember what she was raging about.  I always thought that was strange.

I want her to succeed in life, and by no means do I mean making lots of money.  My idea of succeeding for her and for the rest of us is having meaningful relationships with others and having friends that treat her well and being able to reach out to others if she is in need.  I can only imagine that things MAY NOT get better – and I’m thinking ahead to puberty and it really scares me to think that this may get worse.

I stumbled upon this website the other night while we were researching Explosive/Inflexible children and it has some really great information if anyone needs it.  The Foundation for Children with Behavioral Challenges.  

There is a tool that is also explained on this site called CPS (Collaborative Problem Solving) that you can use with explosive/inflexible children.  I need to read up more about it, but I will do anything it takes to bring more peace and harmony to our little family.  Nobody should have to live like this.

ADD fog brain

sometimes I get so overwhelmed with life – i feel as though i’m in a fog.. just going through the motions.  pretty sad when you think about it that way.   

trying to lose weight.

trying to get stuff done.

trying to be a good parent and stay on top of discipline and healthy meals, etc…

 

always feeling like the climb up the motivational ladder just gets steeper and steeper and it’s hard to ever feel like I really have all my shit together.  How come it seems like everyone else does?  Or is it just a facade?

sad

just sad today, i can’t pinpoint why

dropped my kids off at their summer activities this morning

went to a obgyn appointment and almost made myself sick with anxiety just sitting waiting for the doc to come in because last time i had a vaso-vagal response (yeah, not fun)

bought a cup of coffee 

but i’m still sad – cried all the way home from the doctor’s

i think i need to talk to someone about getting a low dosage of anti-depressants, i don’t know if i can manage this by myself

 

i’m tired too

depressive currents

i think i’ve had a low, underlying current of depression since the early 90’s.  It comes and goes depending on what’s happening in my life and also depends on the season.  Winters are tougher, summers better.  Exersize helps, eating healthy food helps too – but it’s always there.  Ebbing- and flowing with life.    Ugh… I just wish it would go away and leave me alone.  It’s never been so bad that I couldn’t get out of bed and take care of myself or my kiddos, but it’s there like a dull pain in the ass.

i was at my appointment last week and the psychologist asked if i was depressed now, and I said no.  I didn’t feel depressed that day, but the next day I was a mixed bag of emotions and in tears by about mid-day.  Ever since then, i’ve felt that low underlying current moving and I remember these same feelings when i was first diagnosed with ADD last year.  It’s a feeling more like grieving the past for the little girl that maybe could have set bigger goals and not been afraid to do more things with her life,  had this disorder been discovered sooner.  I think i’m also dreading going back for my final review with the psychologist after all this testing.  I’m dreading that there’s more to my ADD than just ADD – depression (obviously), anxiety and a possible learning disability.  It just sucks.

I need to dig myself outta this hole.  I have a family to take care of and I can’t let this bother me so much. 

I need to try and think of the positives.

things such as :

1. i have a creative mind

2. i can think outside the box

3. i am a good driver

4. i am always aware of EVERYTHING that’s going on around me (sometimes that can be not-so-good)

5. i have a great sense of humor, i’m fun!

6. i love music and have a pretty voice

7. i can sew like crazy if I put my mind to it

8. i am a nice person and I always try to be empathetic of others less fortunate

9. i am a great baker – i love to bake.

 

Sorry for the positive self-talk, but I really need it right now.  

i went for a 40 minute run/power-walk today and usually that’s enough to take the edge off, but lately – it’s been too strong of a depressive current.  

waiting to hear back from the psychologist’s office for the next appointment for the EEG brain wave scan.  Should be interesting. 

preparing for assessment and other distractions

So I received a packet in the mail yesterday from the clinic where I’ll be going for my ADD assessment.  Holy Cow – It’s about 20 pages long!  It asks all kinds of questions about my childhood, mental illness in my extended family and then there’s another “Self Report Inventory” – the kind where you can tell what they use each section for.  Section after section – each with a common theme.   As I was filling this out I was saying to myself – “Oh yeah, this is the bipolar section, and here we have the OCD section and here is the anorexia/bulimia section”.  It’s too bad they can’t camouflage some of those questions so they aren’t as easily distinguished.  I’m sure quite a few smart people have fallen through the cracks and haven’t received the care they really needed because they answered the questions the way they know they should if they want to get out of it.

I was able to switch to an earlier appointment next week.  I look forward to meeting with the doctor.  He will do a verbal/interview type evaluation that will last 1.5 hours and then I will be “tested” on a few of the areas they cover, such as IQ, achievement, memory, auditory processing, behavioral, learning disability, and neuropsych screens.    There are actually 3 testing appointments – 4 hours each.  Yikes.  

I have so many other things going on right now that I need to “focus” on.  These things are stressing me out.  My gut hurts just thinking of it.  My mind feels like it’s constantly racing (distractions) with all I need to get done in the next few days.  I don’t know if these things would stress out the average person, but they are stressing me out!  Other than my kids not getting to bed on time tonight…

Here’s a list:

1. babysit neighbors daughter for half-day Friday
2. exercise Friday, or get to the YMCA
3. clean the house, company coming over for brunch Sat. a.m.
4. grocery shop for brunch food
5. prepare food Friday night and leave in fridge
6. gift for Mom, her boyfriend, niece, Husband and Dad for birthdays/Father’s Day
7. pack for camping on Saturday night
8. make plans for Sunday – Father’s Day with Hubby & kids?  Or will we all be worn out by then? 

Oh yeah, and our clothes dryer just quit the other day.  Hubby hasn’t had a chance to fix it yet, so everything is going out on the line.  I get a little squeamish about some of the bugs that may be sneaking into the house as we bring in the line dried clothes.

alright –  enough for now.  I am going to take a break tonight.  Hubby and I have been getting all “The Office” DVD’s from Netflix and watching those on the evenings when we have time.  I think tonight, even though I really don’t have time, I need the comic relief.  

distraction, good vs. evil

a little humor in my title  I do have a good sense of humor through all of this ADD stuff.Distraction has been my main problem most of my life I believe!

“Pay attention, listen better, you’re not listening, you can do better next time, you’re not working up to your full potential”  

Yes, these are all lovely phrases that I remember hearing quite often as a child and also in high school.

I love to bake and I’ve always loved to bake.  I remember one time during summer break I wanted to make some chocolate chip cookies.  Somehow the chips got melted during the mixing process (probably after I poured the hot melted butter on top of them in the mixing bowl).  So – my cookies turned out to be more of a Chocolate-chocolate chip cookie.  When my mom got home from work that day – she was so pissed that I couldn’t follow directions correctly that I’m surprised that I ever attempted to bake again!  It still saddens me to this day when I think about how she could have approached the situation differently.

Distraction – ugh.. as a parent, it’s good because you are always aware of what’s going on, but then again it’s hard because you cannot tune out your children for anything and it’s so easy to get overwhelmed.  I have a short fuse and when both of my kids are whining I just want to crawl in a hole and hope that they will quietly retreat to the bookshelf, find a book and sit down to read.

When my husband and I were first dating, he thought it was strange that I always seemed to be eavesdropping on other people when we were out in public places.  I really wasn’t eavesdropping, but I cannot help hearing EVERY thing around me and I hate it.  Somehow it’s gotten better because I make a really conscientious effort to focus on him and our conversation at hand.  I even start talking about a subject to try to not hear others.  It’s almost better when we go out for dinner with our kids because they are busy wiggling, giggling, and checking out the salt and pepper shakers that it keeps me occupied.  

Distraction sucks.  But there are positives.

• I think it makes me a great driver.  I’m always aware of other cars and where they are at.  
• I can always sense if someone is upset and then I feel for them and cannot concentrate on what I should be concentrating on  - even if I don’t know them.
• I can get a million things done in a day – or nothing.

You take the good with the bad.  I’m trying to live with this ADD stuff one day at a time.  I’m trying to relish the positive and not focus (ha ha – focus, yeah right) on the negative.

more to come

parenting with Adult ADD

This is the first post in my new blog about my adventures in parenting with ADD.  Stick around, it’s going to be a fun ride.

 

Today’s “adventures” spurred my interest to get right on here and start a blog.  :) 

It all started when we arrived at the local library this morning because it is a rainy cold day – a GREAT day to be a the library.  Well, we arrived about 10 minutes early.  This particular library also has a coffee shop in it and I decided to offer my kids the chance to split a large cookie at 9:50 am (don’t worry, they had already had a nutritious breakfast) while we wait for the library doors to open.  But my oldest wasn’t so sure about the assortment of 6 different types of LARGE cookies and she continually pointed and made gestures towards the pastry counter.  I made a decision to stick to my original plan of the cookie and low and behold right there in the middle of the coffee shop & library halls my oldest decides to have a meltdown.  It’s one of those screaming/shrieking meltdowns where you just want to walk away and hope that no one realizes that it’s YOUR child making a scene as though there’s been a murder.  

Well, my oldest made the decision for me that there would be NO cookie now.  It takes this child a long time to calm down.  She has always been this way.  I call her my spirited child (not in front of her).  She and I have had long hard struggles together and frankly – I think it’s because we’re a lot alike.

After we arrived at home, I got lunch ready and called both kids into the kitchen to eat.  Well, once again – my oldest was not happy about what she saw on her plate, at the same time my preschooler gobbled it up like he hadn’t eaten for a week (of course he had, but the kid’s got an appetite)!   Meltdown #2.  I abruptly excused her from the table and told her that she needed to go to her room to calm down and that she didn’t have to eat what was in front of her, but that she would feel the hunger pains by about 3pm this afternoon.   Eventually about 10 minutes later I retrieved her from her room and told her to pick out her own lunch from the fridge that I wouldn’t be ‘making’ any more food.  I often feel like if I give in to this customized idea of meals for all – then I am simply a short order cook.  That wasn’t in my 10-15 year plan when I graduated from college 12 years ago.

Now, is that how a typical 6 year old acts?  I don’t know.  That is how MY 6 year old acts.  Is that how a typical parent would react?  That is how I react when i am tired, frustrated, annoyed and just ready to throw my hands up.  I think a lot of my frustration is that I know what i need to do to parent fairly well, consistency being one of them, but this child will go on and on and on and on and on to try to get what she wants.  She is not a troublemaker, or a rotten kid, on the contrary, she’s amazingly lovely, creative and very sweet most days.  

Then my sweet little preschooler really needed to wash up after his PB&J had created a very WIDE smile on his little face.  So we proceeded to go to the bathroom to wash up.  Mind you, this little guy loves to suck on wet washcloths.  His sister was the same when she was little.  I get quite grossed out about this notion and do everything I can to keep the used washcloths away from his reach.  He decided since he couldn’t have the little washcloth that he was going to try a different approach and use the hand towel that WAS within his reach.  I was about at my breaking point by then.  He’s having a meltdown now on the bathroom floor and I am near tears.  

I go into the kitchen to now attempt to have my lunch and sit down with my oldest.  We are now both eating yogurt with raspberries.  She sees me crying and tries to make it all better (she’s very sweet that way).  She defends me when the preschooler enters the kitchen declaring “I mad at you mommy!!”.   Where do these little beings get this type of gumption?  It’s really hard to no internalize and blame it on myself.  At what point do you just let it go and chalk it up to him being a) a preschooler and/or b) just his personality?

I have been a mom since 2001 and I still have a LONG way to go.  I still have so much more to learn and I am so jealous when i see parents out in public who can remain calm when their children are having meltdowns.  I am jealous when i think about kids that are just naturally mellow.  Is there really such a child?

I struggle daily.  I struggle with the fact that even the smallest meltdown, freak-out, yelling (kids), fighting (kids again) really overwhelms me.  I am so easily overwhelmed and then I yell, or cry, and dwell on the guilt for the rest of the day.  I often wonder how badly I am messing up my kids by my inability to cope as though I should be coping like the average person.

I struggle daily with low grade depression and generalized and social anxiety to the point where I avoid others in public places for fear that I will get tongue tied, or say something stupid or call them by the wrong name or have to shake their hand (because mine are often sweaty in social situations).  I get anxious just about every time I have to get on the telephone. 

I think i’ve said my share for today.  If you too are struggling – please drop me a comment.  I would love to hear from you.