completely overwhelmed.

It has been a long while since I’ve posted here – I’m definitely due to get a few things off my chest.  My life changed quite a bit in the last few months as I decided to go back to work part-time after staying home full-time with my children for 7 years.  I was actually quite excited about the prospect of being able to use my crazy race-car brain in more structured ways, but I am still struggling with the guilt I feel not being there everyday with my youngest.

This evening I exploded.  Am I impulsive?  Maybe.  Is my oldest child exactly like me? definitely yes.  I was helping my oldest brush teeth and one thing led to another and the next thing I know, we’re screaming at each other.   I try and I try and I try SOOO hard to remain calm even when my child is pushing all limits and screaming at me.  But, I can’t always contain myself.  I usually do.  But tonight I just lost it.  I really hate those moments.  Those are the times when I get so down about having ADD.  I feel as though my disorder is going to cause my children more pain in the future because I couldn’t be the kind of mother that I would have been without ADD.  I hate it, I really, really hate it when the impulsivity takes over and I lose my cool.  Are all of us ADD’ers just looking for the next Dopamine hit?  What am i teaching them?  I carry a lot of guilt.  I certainly hope that my children do not have to go through years of therapy because I was their mother.

Yet, on the other hand, strangely enough I think I am a better mom than I was before my diagnosis.  There were many more days of yelling and screaming then.  My self-esteem was at an all-time low because I kept mentally beating myself up with “what is wrong with me… why am I not like other moms?  Why won’t my child listen to me” … I wanted to control everything.  I’m sure I thought, as I probably did for years, that if things looked good on the outside or to outsiders, then it made me feel better about my own personal shame of not being perfect in society’s eyes.

I could go on and on.  but I will stop there for now.

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About ADD Mama

Mom struggling with ADD/ADHD
This entry was posted in ADD, anxiety, Attention Deficit Disorder, depression, explosive, explosive children, Explosive/Inflexible Children, inflexible children, mental health, social anxiety, tough days and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to completely overwhelmed.

  1. joanna says:

    You are a great mom! My mother also has ADD, and although a battle, I could’nt have asked for a better parent. I’m thrity years old, and it wasn’t until recently that she was diagnosed. We also fight over the simplest most insignificant things, and they get so out of hand…..(sigh).
    Love, morals, and in the end communication is what makes our bound so strong, and I would not change that for the world!

  2. Noel says:

    How are you? Hang in there, Mother. I’m an ADD Mom myself. It’s hard sometimes. It’s hard to balance work, house/home, relationships & friendships, child-raising and all else, even without ADD. Sometimes it feels as if it gets harder as one gets older. Speaking for myself, I’m not as resilient as I used to be and I’m tired of struggling with absolutely everything… so, “I get it.” On the other hand, my friend, what’s the alternative? There is a lot of good science that shows distinct advantages that people with ADD have when it comes to multitasking, creativity and going at complex problems long after everyone else has given up. I’m 45 and was diagnosed two years ago, but I didn’t need a formal diagnosis to explain what I’ve known all my life. By now I’ve learned and adapted to leverage those unique ADD strengths in every situation where it’s possible. It has also helped greatly to have found the right medication for my symptoms, plus coaching. The meds don’t level the playing field completely (I still blurt out things, I struggle a great deal socially, at work and at home), but it’s much better than it used to be. Hopefully, you have support too. Lean on that support and continue to remind yourself that there are many, many people just like you who understand. Keep your chin up!

  3. Beth says:

    Thank you for your blog. I’m struggling with mother with ADD and it’s insane. It’s so good to hear that I’m not going crazy and that I’m not the only one out there feeling like you can’t keep up with what you need to do.

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