depressive currents

i think i’ve had a low, underlying current of depression since the early 90’s.  It comes and goes depending on what’s happening in my life and also depends on the season.  Winters are tougher, summers better.  Exersize helps, eating healthy food helps too – but it’s always there.  Ebbing- and flowing with life.    Ugh… I just wish it would go away and leave me alone.  It’s never been so bad that I couldn’t get out of bed and take care of myself or my kiddos, but it’s there like a dull pain in the ass.

i was at my appointment last week and the psychologist asked if i was depressed now, and I said no.  I didn’t feel depressed that day, but the next day I was a mixed bag of emotions and in tears by about mid-day.  Ever since then, i’ve felt that low underlying current moving and I remember these same feelings when i was first diagnosed with ADD last year.  It’s a feeling more like grieving the past for the little girl that maybe could have set bigger goals and not been afraid to do more things with her life,  had this disorder been discovered sooner.  I think i’m also dreading going back for my final review with the psychologist after all this testing.  I’m dreading that there’s more to my ADD than just ADD – depression (obviously), anxiety and a possible learning disability.  It just sucks.

I need to dig myself outta this hole.  I have a family to take care of and I can’t let this bother me so much. 

I need to try and think of the positives.

things such as :

1. i have a creative mind

2. i can think outside the box

3. i am a good driver

4. i am always aware of EVERYTHING that’s going on around me (sometimes that can be not-so-good)

5. i have a great sense of humor, i’m fun!

6. i love music and have a pretty voice

7. i can sew like crazy if I put my mind to it

8. i am a nice person and I always try to be empathetic of others less fortunate

9. i am a great baker – i love to bake.

 

Sorry for the positive self-talk, but I really need it right now.  

i went for a 40 minute run/power-walk today and usually that’s enough to take the edge off, but lately – it’s been too strong of a depressive current.  

waiting to hear back from the psychologist’s office for the next appointment for the EEG brain wave scan.  Should be interesting.