productive days

today is a better day, not feeling the depressive symptoms like yesterday.  I haven’t been getting as much sleep lately either… need to work on that

 

I was able to get a whole bunch of stuff done this morning:

grocery shopping, vacuuming, changing bed sheets, emptying dishwasher, clothes off the line all between the hours of 9am – 11:30am!  … it’s amazing what i can do in a short amount of time when i set my mind to it.  Maybe i do have a bit of the Hyperactive component (as in the “H” in ADHD) who knows? 

The distraction also plays a role in this… i could be scrubbing the floor and then something will trigger a thought about laundry and then I’ll find myself in the laundry room and wonder how i got there and what was i doing beforehand…and then off to wash dishes… it’s never ending.

 

ADD strangeness…

better for now…

as the day goes on, i am feeling better, not so sad.

i think my kids are a good distraction to all my thoughts on my current mental state.  We had a fun afternoon swimming and playing UNO.

 

 

sad

just sad today, i can’t pinpoint why

dropped my kids off at their summer activities this morning

went to a obgyn appointment and almost made myself sick with anxiety just sitting waiting for the doc to come in because last time i had a vaso-vagal response (yeah, not fun)

bought a cup of coffee 

but i’m still sad – cried all the way home from the doctor’s

i think i need to talk to someone about getting a low dosage of anti-depressants, i don’t know if i can manage this by myself

 

i’m tired too

depressive currents

i think i’ve had a low, underlying current of depression since the early 90’s.  It comes and goes depending on what’s happening in my life and also depends on the season.  Winters are tougher, summers better.  Exersize helps, eating healthy food helps too – but it’s always there.  Ebbing- and flowing with life.    Ugh… I just wish it would go away and leave me alone.  It’s never been so bad that I couldn’t get out of bed and take care of myself or my kiddos, but it’s there like a dull pain in the ass.

i was at my appointment last week and the psychologist asked if i was depressed now, and I said no.  I didn’t feel depressed that day, but the next day I was a mixed bag of emotions and in tears by about mid-day.  Ever since then, i’ve felt that low underlying current moving and I remember these same feelings when i was first diagnosed with ADD last year.  It’s a feeling more like grieving the past for the little girl that maybe could have set bigger goals and not been afraid to do more things with her life,  had this disorder been discovered sooner.  I think i’m also dreading going back for my final review with the psychologist after all this testing.  I’m dreading that there’s more to my ADD than just ADD – depression (obviously), anxiety and a possible learning disability.  It just sucks.

I need to dig myself outta this hole.  I have a family to take care of and I can’t let this bother me so much. 

I need to try and think of the positives.

things such as :

1. i have a creative mind

2. i can think outside the box

3. i am a good driver

4. i am always aware of EVERYTHING that’s going on around me (sometimes that can be not-so-good)

5. i have a great sense of humor, i’m fun!

6. i love music and have a pretty voice

7. i can sew like crazy if I put my mind to it

8. i am a nice person and I always try to be empathetic of others less fortunate

9. i am a great baker – i love to bake.

 

Sorry for the positive self-talk, but I really need it right now.  

i went for a 40 minute run/power-walk today and usually that’s enough to take the edge off, but lately – it’s been too strong of a depressive current.  

waiting to hear back from the psychologist’s office for the next appointment for the EEG brain wave scan.  Should be interesting. 

day 1 overview of ADD Assessment

well – today was exhausting!  

I had my first appointment of 3 or 4 for my Adult ADD Assessment and I am exhausted!  I spent at least 1.5 hours just talking with the Psychologist about my educational history, my health history and health currently, my family health history and any other neurological issues in our family.   We also talked a little about the numerous therapists I’ve seen in the past for depression and anxiety and I almost cried when I actually had to list all the medications that I’ve tried in the past (about 10, i believe).  It was sad.  The Psychologist even said that “It looks like you’ve been through the ringer” according to how I answered my mental health history.  Thankfully right now I am not on any meds and I hope to find natural solutions to help me focus, stay depression-free and anxiety free.

Then I went on to another room where various IQ tests were performed for at least 2.5 hours!  Ugh.. I think I did fine, but the verbal math problems – or story problems are always killer for me.  I am a visual person and they wouldn’t let me write anything down.  

Also, they tested me on memory.  The test administrator would read aloud a line of letters and numbers  - up to about 9 total that I had to repeat back putting the numbers first (in order) and then the letters next (in alphabetical order).  I really struggled with those as they reached the 8 and 9 digits!  I think I’ve been having memory problems for about the last two years.  

Then lastly, I sat at a computer and answered 567  true/false questions about myself.  Things like – “I often feel tired” or “I would like to work in construction some day”  - some questions made me chuckle, but I’m sure there’s a reason for them.

Anyway – i’m glad I’m done with the first appointment.  Now I know more of what to expect out of the next few.  

They are going to schedule me for an EEG – which measures brain waves, etc.  They then send it to a neurologist to have it reviewed and back to the office for consideration in many areas such as learning disability, memory, cognitive functioning, etc… 

 

Oh yeah, and they sent me home with more self-assessments and also assessments for my parents and my husband to fill out about me!  It’s interesting to see how he answers some of the questions differently than I did.

So I was there from 10am – 3:25pm today.  Enough for one day I would have to say.  I think i’ll actually sleep well tonight.

 

wrapping things up in ADD fashion

So, this weekend is coming to an end.  It was a stressful few days preparing for hosting brunch and then camping, but thankfully I have a husband who is willing to really help out with anything like food, or even cleaning.  I have to admit I am exhausted.  Must be the adrenaline crash.  I was just reading about adrenaline junkies in a book that my new on-line friend The Informal Matriarch suggested (she’s amazing, by the way) .  The book is “You mean I’m not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?” by Kate Kelly and Peggy Ramundo.  (I do not work for Amazon.com – trust me on this one.)  Go to your local library and get this book if you have ADD or think you may have ADD.  It’s great.

Another good book is “Delivered from Distraction” by Edward Hallowell and John Ratey.  Great book.  Unfortunately I read it and loved it, but loaned it to a friend and I don’t think I will be getting it back.

Although, I’m doing my typical ADD reading by picking and choosing what I read first and not being able to start from the beginning!  That pretty much defines me to a T.   I’ve never liked doing things in order, especially reading directions to put something together!  Children’s toys that need to be assembled, or furniture from IKEA freak me out a bit.  I know I can do it if I don’t have a million other things on my mind (which rarely happens).  I never really read a whole novel from cover to cover until about 3 years ago.  (Books by Jane Green and also Jennifer Weiner – chick books!) I seriously wanted to cry when I finished it because for me as a 30-something, college educated woman – it was a big accomplishment!!  I had finally found TWO authors that could keep my attention!!! 

Well, I hope all the Father’s out there had a great Father’s Day.  I think my husband did. The kiddos are in dreamland and he’s happily downstairs as I write this playing his guitar.  I would love to learn to play the guitar some day, maybe when I can finally find the balance that I need in life to be able to focus on one thing at a time.  I hope that day will come, I really, really do.

good night

preparing for assessment and other distractions

So I received a packet in the mail yesterday from the clinic where I’ll be going for my ADD assessment.  Holy Cow – It’s about 20 pages long!  It asks all kinds of questions about my childhood, mental illness in my extended family and then there’s another “Self Report Inventory” – the kind where you can tell what they use each section for.  Section after section – each with a common theme.   As I was filling this out I was saying to myself – “Oh yeah, this is the bipolar section, and here we have the OCD section and here is the anorexia/bulimia section”.  It’s too bad they can’t camouflage some of those questions so they aren’t as easily distinguished.  I’m sure quite a few smart people have fallen through the cracks and haven’t received the care they really needed because they answered the questions the way they know they should if they want to get out of it.

I was able to switch to an earlier appointment next week.  I look forward to meeting with the doctor.  He will do a verbal/interview type evaluation that will last 1.5 hours and then I will be “tested” on a few of the areas they cover, such as IQ, achievement, memory, auditory processing, behavioral, learning disability, and neuropsych screens.    There are actually 3 testing appointments – 4 hours each.  Yikes.  

I have so many other things going on right now that I need to “focus” on.  These things are stressing me out.  My gut hurts just thinking of it.  My mind feels like it’s constantly racing (distractions) with all I need to get done in the next few days.  I don’t know if these things would stress out the average person, but they are stressing me out!  Other than my kids not getting to bed on time tonight…

Here’s a list:

1. babysit neighbors daughter for half-day Friday
2. exercise Friday, or get to the YMCA
3. clean the house, company coming over for brunch Sat. a.m.
4. grocery shop for brunch food
5. prepare food Friday night and leave in fridge
6. gift for Mom, her boyfriend, niece, Husband and Dad for birthdays/Father’s Day
7. pack for camping on Saturday night
8. make plans for Sunday – Father’s Day with Hubby & kids?  Or will we all be worn out by then? 

Oh yeah, and our clothes dryer just quit the other day.  Hubby hasn’t had a chance to fix it yet, so everything is going out on the line.  I get a little squeamish about some of the bugs that may be sneaking into the house as we bring in the line dried clothes.

alright –  enough for now.  I am going to take a break tonight.  Hubby and I have been getting all “The Office” DVD’s from Netflix and watching those on the evenings when we have time.  I think tonight, even though I really don’t have time, I need the comic relief.  

distraction, good vs. evil

a little humor in my title  I do have a good sense of humor through all of this ADD stuff.Distraction has been my main problem most of my life I believe!

“Pay attention, listen better, you’re not listening, you can do better next time, you’re not working up to your full potential”  

Yes, these are all lovely phrases that I remember hearing quite often as a child and also in high school.

I love to bake and I’ve always loved to bake.  I remember one time during summer break I wanted to make some chocolate chip cookies.  Somehow the chips got melted during the mixing process (probably after I poured the hot melted butter on top of them in the mixing bowl).  So – my cookies turned out to be more of a Chocolate-chocolate chip cookie.  When my mom got home from work that day – she was so pissed that I couldn’t follow directions correctly that I’m surprised that I ever attempted to bake again!  It still saddens me to this day when I think about how she could have approached the situation differently.

Distraction – ugh.. as a parent, it’s good because you are always aware of what’s going on, but then again it’s hard because you cannot tune out your children for anything and it’s so easy to get overwhelmed.  I have a short fuse and when both of my kids are whining I just want to crawl in a hole and hope that they will quietly retreat to the bookshelf, find a book and sit down to read.

When my husband and I were first dating, he thought it was strange that I always seemed to be eavesdropping on other people when we were out in public places.  I really wasn’t eavesdropping, but I cannot help hearing EVERY thing around me and I hate it.  Somehow it’s gotten better because I make a really conscientious effort to focus on him and our conversation at hand.  I even start talking about a subject to try to not hear others.  It’s almost better when we go out for dinner with our kids because they are busy wiggling, giggling, and checking out the salt and pepper shakers that it keeps me occupied.  

Distraction sucks.  But there are positives.

• I think it makes me a great driver.  I’m always aware of other cars and where they are at.  
• I can always sense if someone is upset and then I feel for them and cannot concentrate on what I should be concentrating on  - even if I don’t know them.
• I can get a million things done in a day – or nothing.

You take the good with the bad.  I’m trying to live with this ADD stuff one day at a time.  I’m trying to relish the positive and not focus (ha ha – focus, yeah right) on the negative.

more to come

Adult ADD assessment – is it worth it??

So I’ve been doing some research in the locale where i live for possible ADD specialists.  I’ve found one that’s been highly recommended.  I am going to try to make an appointment by the end of the week.  

About a year ago I went to a different psychologist whom I met with twice and upon those visits and after the “interview” process that you need to do through to figure out if you have ADD or not he declared it was “highly probable” that I did indeed have ADD.   I went to see a psychiatrist after that and she said that the psychologist wrote up a really thorough evaluation and she seemed pretty convinced based on what she was reading in front of her.  Of course I never got to see it.  I never asked.  I should have.  I am going to call to get those records.  

Anyway – I had quite a few visits back to the psychiatrist and tried about 3 different meds.  Nothing really seemed to spur my focus, but I had a few other variables happening in my life at the time.  

1).I was trying to lose weight on the Weight Watchers program and doing very well – much to my surprise!  I had tried to do Weight Watchers in years past with a little success, but never quite got to my goal.  

2). It was late spring and my energy usually increases, depressive symptoms decrease mostly because the weather is getting nicer & I am happier.

3). I was exersizing more and therefore my anxiety symptoms were quieted at least for the time being.

 

So – when the time came for the follow-up appts for meds –  I was happy, confident, energetic, focused, and didn’t know if my hyper-focus was because of the meds or because I finally got motivated to make healthier choices in life.  The psychiatrist seemed to think that the meds would be doing more for me if they were really working.  

She did say something that has really struck a nerve and it didn’t hit me until a few hours later after I had left her office and we came to the conclusion that it was ‘just anxiety’  (which totally sucks anyway)- not ADD (I think i was so relieved at that point that it didn’t register).  This is what she said in the middle of our conversation: “

“Well, I really think it’s just anxiety because you’ve had accomplishments in your life.  You graduated from college, you’ve held down good jobs, you’re raising a family.”  

 

UGH – it still bothers me to this day because I feel like maybe her opinion about people with ADD is that they are just hopeless cases that can’t focus for anything and never accomplish anything.  

I think I was seeing the wrong psychiatrist. 

I’ve read books about Entrepreneurs and CEO’s and Olympic Athletes that have ADD – They have accomplished amazing feats even though they had ADD/ADHD.  I think our society isn’t quite there yet as far as understanding and appreciating the positive of this disorder.  Some of which include, but are not limited to:

- the amazing ability to multi-task

- creative minds that think outside the box

- the ability to hyper-focus at times

there are many, many more positives to this disorder.

 

Okay – so now it brings me to today – about a year after I was first diagnosed with ADD.   

I am once again convinced that I do have ADD and I am seeking out a specialist as stated in my first few sentences of this post.  The assessment is very expensive – $1800.00, thankfully the Dr. is in my health insurance network, but I still will have to pay a bit out of pocket.  Here’s a run down of all that is included in the assessment as described by this particular clinic :

“Initial Visit with Dr. XYZ lasts about 1-1/2 hours.  He takes a full history which includes health, education, developmental information.  From this information he decides what he would like to ‘rule out’ in terms of possible diagnosis.
 
Testing consists of 3 appointments totaling up to 4 hours each and are comprised of computer, questionnaires, face to face testing of IQ, achievement, memory, auditory processing, behavioral, learning disability and, neuropsych screens.
 
From these and information Dr. XYZ  has received from others (you have signed releases for) he comes to his conclusion.  
 
At the last visit Dr. XYZ  will go over each assessment tool given, what he was looking for and what he found. Based on that data he will come up with conclusions and many recommendations that may enhance quality of life.  Dr. XYZ does not prescribe medicine and is conservative in his suggestion of medicinal interventions.
 
You will receive a report which shows all testing done, scores and treatment recommendations.  This report is thorough and can be 15 – 20 pages long. “

 

Wow, I hope the $1800.00 will be worth it.

Should be a fun ride.  Wish me luck and leave me a comment if you’ve ever had an ADD assessment like this one, i’d love to hear about it.

 
  

parenting with Adult ADD

This is the first post in my new blog about my adventures in parenting with ADD.  Stick around, it’s going to be a fun ride.

 

Today’s “adventures” spurred my interest to get right on here and start a blog.  :) 

It all started when we arrived at the local library this morning because it is a rainy cold day – a GREAT day to be a the library.  Well, we arrived about 10 minutes early.  This particular library also has a coffee shop in it and I decided to offer my kids the chance to split a large cookie at 9:50 am (don’t worry, they had already had a nutritious breakfast) while we wait for the library doors to open.  But my oldest wasn’t so sure about the assortment of 6 different types of LARGE cookies and she continually pointed and made gestures towards the pastry counter.  I made a decision to stick to my original plan of the cookie and low and behold right there in the middle of the coffee shop & library halls my oldest decides to have a meltdown.  It’s one of those screaming/shrieking meltdowns where you just want to walk away and hope that no one realizes that it’s YOUR child making a scene as though there’s been a murder.  

Well, my oldest made the decision for me that there would be NO cookie now.  It takes this child a long time to calm down.  She has always been this way.  I call her my spirited child (not in front of her).  She and I have had long hard struggles together and frankly – I think it’s because we’re a lot alike.

After we arrived at home, I got lunch ready and called both kids into the kitchen to eat.  Well, once again – my oldest was not happy about what she saw on her plate, at the same time my preschooler gobbled it up like he hadn’t eaten for a week (of course he had, but the kid’s got an appetite)!   Meltdown #2.  I abruptly excused her from the table and told her that she needed to go to her room to calm down and that she didn’t have to eat what was in front of her, but that she would feel the hunger pains by about 3pm this afternoon.   Eventually about 10 minutes later I retrieved her from her room and told her to pick out her own lunch from the fridge that I wouldn’t be ‘making’ any more food.  I often feel like if I give in to this customized idea of meals for all – then I am simply a short order cook.  That wasn’t in my 10-15 year plan when I graduated from college 12 years ago.

Now, is that how a typical 6 year old acts?  I don’t know.  That is how MY 6 year old acts.  Is that how a typical parent would react?  That is how I react when i am tired, frustrated, annoyed and just ready to throw my hands up.  I think a lot of my frustration is that I know what i need to do to parent fairly well, consistency being one of them, but this child will go on and on and on and on and on to try to get what she wants.  She is not a troublemaker, or a rotten kid, on the contrary, she’s amazingly lovely, creative and very sweet most days.  

Then my sweet little preschooler really needed to wash up after his PB&J had created a very WIDE smile on his little face.  So we proceeded to go to the bathroom to wash up.  Mind you, this little guy loves to suck on wet washcloths.  His sister was the same when she was little.  I get quite grossed out about this notion and do everything I can to keep the used washcloths away from his reach.  He decided since he couldn’t have the little washcloth that he was going to try a different approach and use the hand towel that WAS within his reach.  I was about at my breaking point by then.  He’s having a meltdown now on the bathroom floor and I am near tears.  

I go into the kitchen to now attempt to have my lunch and sit down with my oldest.  We are now both eating yogurt with raspberries.  She sees me crying and tries to make it all better (she’s very sweet that way).  She defends me when the preschooler enters the kitchen declaring “I mad at you mommy!!”.   Where do these little beings get this type of gumption?  It’s really hard to no internalize and blame it on myself.  At what point do you just let it go and chalk it up to him being a) a preschooler and/or b) just his personality?

I have been a mom since 2001 and I still have a LONG way to go.  I still have so much more to learn and I am so jealous when i see parents out in public who can remain calm when their children are having meltdowns.  I am jealous when i think about kids that are just naturally mellow.  Is there really such a child?

I struggle daily.  I struggle with the fact that even the smallest meltdown, freak-out, yelling (kids), fighting (kids again) really overwhelms me.  I am so easily overwhelmed and then I yell, or cry, and dwell on the guilt for the rest of the day.  I often wonder how badly I am messing up my kids by my inability to cope as though I should be coping like the average person.

I struggle daily with low grade depression and generalized and social anxiety to the point where I avoid others in public places for fear that I will get tongue tied, or say something stupid or call them by the wrong name or have to shake their hand (because mine are often sweaty in social situations).  I get anxious just about every time I have to get on the telephone. 

I think i’ve said my share for today.  If you too are struggling – please drop me a comment.  I would love to hear from you.